Filling the Shoes

Sometimes I think back to when I was young, married, and pretty much carefree.  PG and our cat depended on me, and that was about it.  For all other problems, we went to my grandma who had an answer for every problem.  She was the one we'd call when we needed a ride home from a flat tire, or when something was wrong in the business world.  She was the be all and end all for our lives.  We would meet at her house after work and hang out, sometimes picking up dinner, sometimes eating whatever she might have brewing on the stove.  We'd cry over an injustice as work and she'd make us the hottest, sweetest tea or hand out pieces of coffeecake.  If we needed to know how to make cheesecake for a party, she had those answers too.  And if we didn't have a plan for Easter Sunday, she was on it like white on rice. 

She was beautiful and everyone knew it.  Unlike myself, she had olive skin...something like you'd see on an Italian person.  Her hair was jet black.  When I was a kid, I used to think we WERE Italian, but in fact, we are hardcore German Americans.  My Grandma was as stubborn as a mule, smart as a whip, and as caring as a saint.  Men that had known her all of her life, as friends, never got over their crushes on her.  They admired her beauty, but I think they admired her mind even more.  When she wanted to buy a crane company, my grandpa wouldn't let her.  And years later, he would truly regret not going with her instincts on that.

But after she died, the whole family dynamic changed.  Who were we to ask about our problems?  Where were we to go?

And somehow, though I am the youngest of our very small clan, the duties have fallen on me.  I mean, doesn't it seem logical that my mom would be next in line?  Doesn't it seem like she would become the leader of this tiny pack of hardheaded Germans?  But it didn't happen that way.

Nowadays it seems that when there's a problem, when there are plans to be made, it falls on me.  Which is OK most of the time.  I'm there to hear the rants about work and offer whatever solutions I can.  I'm there to figure out who's bringing what to the 4th of July picnic.  I'm there to do whatever, whenever.  I'm mystified by it, but damn it, I do it.

But sometimes it would be nice to hand it all off.  Sometimes I don't have the solutions or the answers or the plan.  Sometimes I want to just throw up my hands and yell "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" at the top of my lungs. 

Sometimes I'm doing well just to keep myself from insanity without trying to do the same for others.

I guess though, that in some ways, its an honor to try to fill the shoes that my grandma left behind.  She and I are so much alike, where my mom is much more meek and quiet.  My grandma would get wild streaks (much like my own) and buy property, start a business, travel off to some foreign place.  If she wanted to do it, then God himself couldn't stop her.  And that description is just what PG would say about me as well.

But I guess sometimes the bold pay for their personalities when people depend on us for answers.  We may not have the right answers, but you wouldn't find us saying "I don't know" while we wring our hands and dab at our eyes.  We have a plan, whether we have one or not.  And there is some pride in "leading the troops" through whatever problems, celebrations, or drama that they may be having.  I adore that aspect of my family.  Whatever might be going on, we solve it as a family. 

I guess in that way we really ARE a clan.

And while its not always easy being the leader of that clan, it is in some ways, an honor.

I just hope I can truly fill those shoes.  I'm giving it everything I have.

 

Comments

[kingofnewyorkhacks]

Great post...seems like you're filling those shoes quite well.